Eat Your Heart Out, Trekkies!

Not Quite Gay Enough

My office conducted its second annual bake-off last week. As if a bake-off isn't gay enough, ours is now annual. And it inspires some fierce competition.

Last year we had two teams. It was the programming department versus the online production department. This year, we had so many people take interest that there were three teams.

That's me in the back of the second team, striking the Charlie's Angels pose with an electric mixer. This is what gay cable networks get up to when no one is looking — in case you were wondering. I wonder what Bravo does.

The rules are simple: We are each to make a sweet dessert, each one containing at least three ingredients and yielding at least 15 servings. And we must bring out own serving implements.

The entire staff may vote once for the desserts they think are the best in three categories: Gayest, Most Original and Outrageous, and Best Overall. The team with the most accumulated points among its members wins.

My boss and I teamed up last year to win the Best Overall with deep-fried apple pies. He made the dough, and I made the filling and schlepped the deep-fryer. And our team won. So this year it was a grudge match for Programming.

I briefly considered some heinous concoction or other from a '50s-era, Good Housekeeping, Lutheran church basement pot-luck social cookbook. Something with lime Jell-O, marshmallows, cottage cheese and mustard. Or something. But the online department had a theme: All our desserts were to contain some sort of booze. We called ourselves Alco-Locas, our not-subtle tribute to Nina Flowers.

Grasshopper brownies with creme de menthe seemed a bit more palatable, but it didn't seem gay enough. I wanted something a bit more fancy-pants and challenging. So I settled on a friend's suggestion, Lillet-flavored marshmallows.

	We called them 'Get Lillet'd Marshmallows'

For shits and giggles I made them pink and cut them into triangles. How gay can you get?

Apparently it wasn't gay enough.

A chocolate-and-nut confection rolled in coconut won Gayest. Yummy Balls they were called. How coarse! Can you believe it? Over pink marshmallow triangles — flavored with a French wine aperitif!

Well, I have to hand it to my proud and worthy competitor for a well-named dessert. People just couldn't get enough of his balls. So many people had his balls in their mouth that day. Coworkers would ask each other if they'd had his balls yet.

And so on...

Here are a few of the notable competitors.

From top left, clockwise: Yummy Balls, Macadamia Nut Pie, 80-Proof Irish Car Bomb Gay-teaux, Eat My Cookie Cocktail, Tarte au Citron, Poached Pears in Red Wine with Lime Mousse.

Team 3, "Sons of Batches," won in a delicious upset with the most accumulated points. But the Programming department had the most individual winning desserts. And Online... well, let's just say we got served.

Best Overall Dessert was a tie this year between the Poached Pears and the Irish Car Bomb Gay-teaux. (Those cupcakes sure packed a wallop!)

Most Original and Outrageous went to a dessert involving a ginger-sugar rimmed champagne-ginger cocktail and a gingersnap. The Eat My Cookie Cocktail. Yes, it was very ginger. Very precious. Like me, its maker was disappointed he didn't get Gayest. But I do absolutely think he deserves the title he got.

Some other notable entries included:

• Benedictine Ice Cream Sandwiches with Peanut Butter Cookie Tops and Bottoms (Quite a mouthful!)
  
• Cumquat Galettes and Cherry Dark Chocolate Galettes With Homemade Ice Cream (Note the intentional, naughty misspelling. Can you get away with this where you work?)
  
• Guinness "Bottoms Up" Brownies
  
• Tira-mi-so-horny
  

I'm already studying up for next year. I can see I'm gonna have to pull out the big guns. It's gonna involve fire. Baked Alaska? Cherries Jubilee, anyone?

Falling For It

When Gmail offered me an automatic email response generator, I didn't think much about it.

A bit weird, I thought, but why not? When Google is constantly testing new and improved ways to make useful the ceaseless stream of information it gathers from us second be ever-lovin' second, it seems perfectly plausible (though not, I hope, reasonable) that next on the list would be a service that scans your incoming messages and automatically generates a response, matching your style and tone, without a second thought from you.

They called the service "Gmail Autopilot," powered by something called by CADIE, or "Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity"

"Email will never be a thing of the past," it declared, "but actually reading and writing messages is about to be" — as if it's a terrible burden to think for oneself.

Who would use this? I thought. Who could be so lazy?

I wondered — hoped, really — if the system would only generate the email, leaving the decision to send or not to send up to the user. To find out, I clicked the link to "learn more." I briefly considered trying it, but thought better of it.

Later, inspired by the dawn of National Poetry Month, I decided to resume reading the daily emails I have been receiving for years from The Writer's Almanac. Leave it to Garrison Keillor to kill a perfectly good joke. Today's post included the following entry:

Today is April Fools' Day, and it's also on this day in 2004 that Google released Gmail to the public. Many people thought it was a joke: It offered a whole gigabyte of storage, which was exponentially greater than what was offered by other free e-mail services at the time.

Gmail has played a number of memorable pranks on April Fools' Day. Last year, users signing into their Gmail account on April Fools' Day saw a banner announcing "New! Gmail Custom Time," which supposedly allowed users to pre-date some of their outgoing e-mail messages. On April 1, 2006, Google announced a new dating service, called Google Romance. They said, "When you think about it, love is just another search problem."

Nicely played, Google. I thought the examples on the "Autopilot" FAQ page seemed excessively humorous.

After this, I seemed to find practical jokes everywhere I turned.

YouTube was upside down today, which I thought was brilliant — only if one's Web browser was capable of displaying the upside-down typeface.

Click to enlarge. [www.youtube.com

I found a fake news story on today's NPR's Morning Edition broadcast about The Economist opening up a theme park.

I received a tweet about today's Planet Money podcast having an April Fool's Day joke in it.

Even the BBC World Service broadcast this morning, I remembered, included a segment during which a series of implausible headlines was read aloud and the listeners were invited to write in and guess which one was actually false. It seemed to me at the time just like a cute listener-response segment like that game they play on Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me.

An aside: All this online tomfoolery at least explains why Queerty released a new page design yesterday. They must have been careful to avoid April 1, because the changes they made certainly do seem like a joke. (This is among the worst page design I have seen.)

Three people at work told friends and loved ones via email that they had been laid off in a surprise downsizing. Only one of them succeeded in tricking someone.

I can't remember a time since I was a kid that I've seen so much attention paid to an April Fool's Day. I began to fear that people would stop believing what I was saying, expecting at any moment to be the subject of a prank. I began to feel obligated to play some kind of mischief myself. If I weren't so terribly bad at lying, I might have tried it.

Maybe we just need some fun in the news these days. It'll be back to normal tomorrow.

If "Space Invaders" Was Real

Who knows what this is supposed to mean. But it sure is fun!

25 Songs To "Lip Synch For Your Life" To

In every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, the two contestants with the worst scores are made to compete against each other in what RuPaul likes to call "Lip Synch For Your Life." Recently, these little contests have been fascinating microcosms of drag desperation.

I've always admired the queens who sing for themselves. It seems more honest to me. But lip lynching (done well) does require its own set of skills. It got me thinking: If I were made to lip synch for my life, what song would I wish for?

So, in the spirit of Facebook's recent "25 Things" phenomenon, I present to you:

25 Songs to "Lip Synch For Your Life" To
1. "More Where That Came From," Dolly Parton
2. "Love Is a Battlefield," Pat Benatar
3. "Fist City,” Loretta Lynn
4. "Kiss Me Deadly,” Lita Ford
5. "Alone,” Heart
6. "Money Changes Everything,” Cyndi Lauper
7. "Sooner or Later,” Madonna
8. "I'm the Greatest Star," Barbra Streisand
9. "It's Today," Angela Lansbury
10. "Anything Goes," as sung by Patti Lupone
11. "Fancy," Reba McEntire
12. "Chain of Fools," Aretha Franklin
13. "Diamonds are Forever," Shirley Bassey
14. "Twist of Fate," Olivia Newton-John
15. "Karma Charmeleon," Culture Club
16. "Is You Is or Is you Ain't My Baby," Dinah Washington
17. "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," Dusty Springfield
18. "Murder on the Dance Floor," Sophie Ellis Bextor
19. "Love Letters," as sung by Alison Moyet
20. "Vibeology," Paula Abdul
21. "I'll Be Your Shelter," Taylor Dayne
22. "No One Is Watching You Now," 'Til Tuesday
23. "Steel Claw," Tina Turner
24. "You're Making Me High," Toni Braxton
25. "So Emotional," Whitney Houston

Some of these are obvious (e.g., "Fancy"); some of these I just think would be fun ("Steel Claw"), either because it's very fast or very slow, or it's a real rocker or it's very quiet, or because it's sexy or it's just silly, or because the original performer has a signature style or because you could make it totally your own, or because there are a lot of words or because there's a long time between verses (what are you gonna do with your hands and feet and face when you're not singing?).

In my research, I came across this special treat. It's not a lip synch, but it'll do.

What would be your 25?

Sweet Low Down Tammie Brown

Episode 2 has convinced me that RuPaul's Drag Race is one of the best shows on TV. It is not only fun and at times educational, but also surprisingly heartwarming, and ironically, very real. These guys are a few sequins and a couple of falsies away from being Barbie dolls, but they really are putting some realness back into reality TV.

OK, lame. I know that was a line from the show's promotional campaign, but I'm seeing now why it's also true.

"See you later, in the magazines. Wah wah wah wah." [www.myspace.com]

One of the benefits of watching the show online is all the extra revealing goodies to be found there. Among my favorites are the "Under the Hood," segments shot in the green room, just the girls talking among themselves, revealing insecurities, critiquing themselves and each other — and also building each other up. (Maybe the best part of these clips is the intro and outro with the RuPaul Barbie doll, voiced by none other than Miss Ru herself!)

These guys reveal over and over what integrity they have as performers. Each one in his own way wants truly to elevate the art of drag and raise his own level of performance. (Well, all but one, so far. Akashia seems simply to want to show off and wow the judges, but doesn't seem to think she has anything to learn.) These are not second-rate gender fuckers. These ladies are practitioners of an art form — and drag, when it's done well, is really a nexis of several disciplines.

One of the best parts of Episode 2 was the way it allowed each of the guys to play to a strength, and it gave everyone an opportunity to learn something from one of his competitors — and, honey, every one of these guys has something to learn. It also demonstrated that the contestants who respect their peers are the ones who will succeed.

The eliminations are also very revealing. Rebecca Glasscock is one smart competitor, but by no means is she a cut-throat. Asked who she would eliminate if forced to choose, she pointed to the one she saw as her strongest competition, Shannel. In a back-handed way, it is the ultimate compliment. But she also clearly had a hard time throwing her teammate under the bus. And Shannel can certainly understand her sentiments.

Shannel, for her part, stepped beyond graciousness and called out Ongina as a brilliant team leader. These are the little gems, the little rewards, scattered throughout this show, like the size 20 rhinestones in Shannel's make-up kit. It seriously makes me cry a little.

Shannel is smart and interesting and undeniably talented. Clearly she has put a lot of thought into her work and the philosophy of drag. But lord in heaven, she is like an earnest, wordy, overzealous honors college student at Drag U. Sometimes I just want her to shut up and apply some eye shadow or something.

Ongina, the talented captain, said she would have gone down with the ship. Nina admitted to being the weakest link and would have graciously stepped down if not for her immunity. There is real honesty here, real class and humility.

And then there is the other, uglier side of things.

I agree with 77% of the TV audience and said Akashia should have gone. This is strictly on the basis of her being such an awful team leader. Fierceness is more than an act; you have to back it up with talent, or you're going to be found out. She was in charge of makeup in her group, but her own makeup was probably the worst on that stage. And even as the resident bitch, she is just a bore. In this week's "Under the Hood," Tammie is talking about positive energy, and raising up her hands with her fellow queens and swaying in unison. It;s a little Kum-Ba-Yah, a little hokey, but Akashia is sitting there insolently giving everyone the finger, and it is so not classy.

That said, I'm glad Akashia was able to redeem herself at the end, leaning pretty hard, in my opinion, on that time-honored fall-back, the lip synch.

No denying it: She brought it. Michelle Williams cried, feeling touched and rewarded by Akashia's grasp of the lyrics. And in the end we see that, for all her theatrics and all her cuntiness, Akashia still cares about the judges' opinions. She radiated after her life-saving lip synch and showed that she is not made of stone. We all want to succeed. And maybe now that she has come so close again to getting cut, she will wise up and play this game a little smarter and with a little more grace.

Meanwhile, for Tammie, there was nothing sadder than her half of the lip-synch showdown. "Break the Dawn" never sounded so melancholy. The girls stood downstage holding their breath. Jade held her hands to her face, seemingly on the verge of tears. Tammie did her best to move to the music, but she did not attempt a single word of that lip synch. At one point, she raised a hand up and waved, parade style, and it was clear that she was really waving good-bye to those judges. She knew it was over. Rather than exiting quietly, she was all but forced to lay down on the tracks.

I had such hopes for quirky ol' 1940s pin-up girl fit model-cum-cracked-out glamourpuss housewife Tammie Brown. She was the clear underdog. She was from another planet. She was misunderstood and underestimated. And, again, with her departure, I think the show is missing some diversity. She stands out as a unique persona. What she does well, no one else on the show can do better. But she wanted out, and she made her exit with as much hammy dignity as she could muster.

With the specialty girls getting picked off first, I am finding that the ones who remain tend to be the most well-rounded. To win this thing, you need to bring the skills. Already we have seen that you must be able to sew, to play well with others, and to learn a song and choreography tout de suite — or at least fake it pretty damn well. Circumstances and fate led Akashia and Nina to survive this time. Poor Tammie's weakness was exposed, and she was sent packing.

Mmm... Bacon

Mmm... bacon!

This sentence is worth 38 points.

In a city as big and old and famous as New York, there's a landmark on nearly every corner. Someone was born here. Someone died here. Some drag queens started a social movement here. Someone recorded a watershed album here in the '60s. Here's a cafe from Sex in the City. Everyone's got a story about some point of pride in their neighborhood.

Just recently, I learned that the birthplace of Scrabble is the Community Methodist Church in my neighborhood. To commemorate the fact, the street sign on the corner of 35th Avenue and 81st Street, where the church is located, has been made to look like it's composed of Scrabble tiles. It's a bit esoteric, like nerd humor, but I think a subtle nod to a great invention is more clever than a boring old plaque.

Keepon Dancing

This is an old one I forgot to post.

I don't want to be one of those guys who mistakes commentary on YouTube videos for original thought, but this one is too cute to pass up.

This thing dances better than most people.

Here's that little robot, Keepon, again in Spoon's video for "Don't Evah," one of my favorite songs at present. It's crazy how a pair of google eyes can trick you into having an emotional response to a motor and a pair of sponge balls.

Someone at work turned me on to Spoon. I'm scared to buy a whole album, so I just picked up a few tracks from iTunes. (Who buys albums anymore, anyway?)

I made that mistake once before when I fell in love with Combustible Edison after seeing Four Rooms, which featured their music in the opening credits. I only saw the movie because Madonna was in it. I bought one of their albums and sort of hated it.

B CRFL W YR TXT MSGS

For the ultimate in introverted passive aggression, you can't beat text messaging. Who knew the technology would become so indispensable to me?

But be careful. When too hastily thumbing a note to someone, it's far too easy to muddy the message with entirely the wrong word. If you can train your phone well enough, that word-suggestion feature can be handy — for proper nouns and unusual spellings, especially. I, on the other hand, still can't find the quotation marks or parentheses on my phone. There is little hope for me.

For instance, I can't really use those abominable abbreviations so common among nearly everyone younger than me. (The title of this post is somewhat misleading, then.) I have to teach my phone almost any abbreviation. It can backfire, though. I taught my phone the abbreviation "VM" for "voice mail."

Clever, eh?

Not when you're trying to type "to" ... a word that comes up, I have found, an awful damn lot.

There is some comfort at least in knowing that my phone expects something closer to Standard English from me.

Worse, I have somehow managed to program in some completely ridiculous substitutions. Whenever I type "at," the number 28 appears. Instead of "can," I get "226" — which is considerably less useful.

Often the effect is just comical. Once while thumbing out the word "pimp" I got "shop." (I forget the context. Does it matter?) Clicking through the substitutions was almost almost poetic:

Shop
Sins
Pins
Pimp

Here are a few more interesting accidental substitutions I have come across recently:

• Hate yields have


• Male: make


• Save: rate


• Season: reason


• Soon: room


• Note: move


• Go: in


• Fat: eat


• Doll: folk


• Brian: asian


• Home: good


• Stick: quick


• Saloon: salmon


• Kind: line


• Of: me


• If: he


• Mine: mind


• Much: ouch


• And my favorite... Pew: sex

Diamonds are Indeed Forever

Rivaled only, perhaps, by Alanis Morissette's cover of Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" is this startling yet gorgeous rendition of Pink's "Get This Party Started" by the legendary Shirley Bassey. A friend of mine directed me to this video confection at Joe. My. God.
Girlfriend sure looks good enough to eat! I wasn't sure it was even her at first. Immediately, her take on this song seems utterly wrong to me, but seconds later, she wins me over.

I was a great fan of her Propellerheads collaboration "History Repeating" until Graham Norton killed it by making it his theme song. It's great to see that this woman is still having fun. Catch the laugh on her face when she sings "I'll be burning rubber/You'll be kissing my ass"!

I Want to go to Prison, Too!

This is one of the most fabulous things I have ever seen. On so many levels.

Bear in mind, this is supposedly a prison in the Philippines. I love the guy who plays Michael's date.