Seriously?

Yikes!

Where Are You Taking That Leak?

There is a sign posted above the row of urinals in the men's room at my office that encourages people to report leaks. Does anyone else think this is funny?

One Track Mind

The pet owner is bundled up against the winter elements. His dog, because this is New York City, is teeny-tiny and dressed in an outfit that costs as much as the man's. The dog scampers along in front, keeping pace, pretending there is no leash connecting them. And then he stops to inspect the base of a retaining wall. The owner passes him and pauses, giving the lead a gentle tug. Come on. Time to go in, boy. The man shifts on his feet and shivers.

The animal stands there with his ass in the air, clearly shivering. He's one of those little guys that shivers on a warm day. A bitter wind whistles under his tail and across his exposed belly. His single-mindedness and determination is almost inspirational. I'm coming, I'm coming. I just really have to smell this because it's so ... interesting, and I ... Oh, wait, what's this? Oh, now that... that smells awful. Isn't that awful?

I Heart Ms. Pac-Man

A Bad Case

Today's English lesson:

As painful as it may be, watch it to the end.

Wouldn't this song make an excellent mash-up with Deniece Williams' "Let's Hear It For the Boy"?

Feel the burn.

Bad Signs

	The thing is, these guys are probably from somewhere near the Mediterranean Sea.
	Ectetera, ectetera...
	Waithing for a copy editor.
	Walk. Wait, no. Don't walk!

It always makes me wonder why so many small business owners have permanent signs on their businesses with gross spelling and grammar errors.

I remember a place in Minneapolis called "Lee's Wig's." Apostrophe errors are among my biggest pet peeves, and they happen all the time. They're not a surprise, though. Sometimes it can be tricky. And sometimes I can forgive it. Sometimes, sure... if you don't know better, you might slip up and use an apostrophe in a pluralization. But when it's connected to your livelihood? When it's a direct representation of yourself in the world? There are no excuses.

Whoever made Lee's sign got the possession right. But the S in "wigs" doesn't set out to accomplish the same thing. So, then, if the one has an apostrophe, the other should not, right? One S or the other should have an apostrophe, but not both. I think I could accept "Lees Wig's" more easily than this. That at least would show some conviction, rather than this spineless covering of all bases by overpunctuating every S in the sign.

Poor Lee.

How do those signs and awnings get made. Do the shop owners screw up? If so, why don't the sign makers do them a favor and suggest corrections? Or maybe it's the sign maker's fault. And when it arrives, fresh, clean and smelling of plastic and paint, the shop owner thinks: Well... it's close. Why wait longer or shell out for a new sign or?

I had some fun recently spotting some bad signs in New York.

Little Miss Jocelyn

Besides the rugby jerseys I asked a friend of mine to pick up during a recent trip to London, he scored a little jewel of British comedy on DVD to share: Little Miss Jocelyn. We recently spun through Season 1 over a couple pitchers of guavaberry piña coladas and a plate full of Banbury cakes. (Mmmm... Butter! Sugar! Currants!)

It's a recurring-character sketch comedy show, written by and starring Jocelyn Jee Esien, that aired on the BBC in 2006. It's over a year old across the Atlantic but relatively unknown here in the States. Esein was one of the performers in a hidden-camera stunt show called 3 Non-Blondes. Here she is in some sketches. (That series also featured Tameka Empson, who played the Mama Cass-obsessed neighbor in the coming-out-story charmer Beautiful Thing.")

She's a little French and Saunders and a little Little Britain and a little Dave Chappelle. The show has the added distinction, I have also learned, of being the first of its kind in either the United States or the UK to be written by and to star a black female comedian.

My favorite characters:

• Madam President, the first Black female President of the United States, looking eerily like an austere Condoleezza Rice, who answers questions from the press with a string of quotations from reductive and vaguely exploitive African-American cultural references.
  
• Florence, the overweight weight-loss nurse who treats her patients with ridiculous voodoo cures, always telling them they are beyond hope and "this is your last appointment." She spits on their paperwork to punctuate some sort of hex and chases them out of her office, calling after them "Save yourself! Save yourself!"
  
• Fiona, the only black woman in a typical office setting where she does some sort of typical office job. She is convinced that no one knows she is black, and she goes to such lengths to keep her "secret" that she lashes out at all other black people she interacts with, bringing herself to the point of nausea, tossing out horrifically racist accusations, which she reduces to politically correct euphemisms when she thinks she might be overheard. This clip features hottie British actor O.T. Fagbenle.
  
• Helen, perhaps my favorite, who appears normal by all accounts until she suddenly drops to the floor or the sidewalk and begins dragging her butt along the ground. She looks up at her incredulous companions or astonished strangers and shrugs, "I've got worms."
  
• Sheson, a bus driver whose Nigerian-flavored Cockney accent betrays her attempts to learn English in a pub. She sings hymns while driving and berates riders for standing too close or asking for directions — or ringing the bell to request a stop. "I'm not an A to Zed!" she'll say. She berates a gay couple who boards the bus in one sketch for not saying thank you. "'Eh!" she calls. "Sodom and Gomorrah!"
  
• Lillian, the territorial hairdresser, whose salon is across the street from a bitter rival. One often visits the other to start a hairdo duel, which always ends in a spaghetti western style, revealing their customers' overwrought hairstyles as if they're drawing their weapons. Lillian always wins, causing her rival to choke back shock and curse her until they meet again.
  
• Jiffy, a Nigerian immigrant who works as an overzealous parking attendant so desperate to be seen as a loyal subject of Queen Elizabeth II that she constantly reminds the recipients of her many parking tickets that she works "for queen and country." She wears huge swaths of bright blue eye shadow and an oversized uniform, and her officer's cap sits jauntily to the side of her afro. She sometimes shows up in unexpected places, such as the screen of an ATM or the glove box of a parked car, to issue guerilla tickets.
  
• Julia, whose social awkwardness causes her to behave in wildly inappropriate ways in serious situations, totally ruining the moment — licking the face of her friend's mother at her husband's funeral or biting her brand-new boss on the nose.

Esien is of Nigerian heritage, and most of the sketches clearly seem to poke fun at Nigerian immigrants. I'm not sure many American comics could get away with the tricks she pulls. Diaspora comedy like hers treads a delicate border. The self deprecation is so obvious and obscene, she's as much making fun of the people who uncomfortably laugh at it (e.g., me) as she is the cultural establishment that led to the creation of the stereotypes she is lampooning. Laughing at myself rarely feels so good.

Madonna Gets It Right

Madonna is not much use to us as an actress in feature-length films, with some exceptions, but in short films, like this H&M commercial, she really shines as a comic performer. I don't watch enough TV to see commercials, so I completely missed this one.

Lady Lumps from Above the 49th Parallel

As someone who hasn't heard anything about Alanis Morissette since she covered "Crazy" by Seal a couple years ago, I think this is delightfully random and almost as fun to watch as a baby polar bear.

Today, ladies and gentleman, she rises above guilty pleasure. I'm embarrassed she had to spoof Fergie to get my attention.

I don't own a single recording of hers. I have heard a few tracks from her recent acoustic album, though, on Pandora. It's a strong vocal showcase. I recommend it.

God is Dead

Take thy beak from out my heart!

I have lost my faith in everything.

Shiny, Happy